daddy
the first time someone called me a fag
i was five
the altar boys made me genuflect
on the side of the church
held a baseball bat up to my chin
wanting to knock a homerun out of my skull
just like in Oakland when marta trembling voice
tells her papa she loves susana
and later that night wakes to him
raping her on her bedroom floor
next to the virgin mary night light
whispers in her ear
if god won't make you a woman mija
i will
or en guatemala
when los soldados find out about lucha and sandra
they boot-smash through the front door
spear lucha's brother jesus
force the lesbianas to eat a soup made of his dick and blood
and the one soldier tells them to finally
swallow a man like you swallow communion
bitch
then for dessert force rifles up their cunts
just like in that georgian
parking lot
where the drunk men surround juan the bartender
last one to leave the club that fourth of july
as the billy club god-mob flash their head beams
jesus jose y maria
rolls off his lips as they tie
him up
haul him in the back of the black pick-up
light firecrackers up his ass
then throw him into the baptizing river
just to see if a flaming fag could swim
and papá
look here in san diego
where lupita's parents kidnap her at night
take her to mexico
so el padre can exorcise her love for lourdes
ties her shaking hands to the wooden bed posts
makes the sign of the cross with holy water
on her sweaty forehead
bless me father for I have sinned
spills from her lips
in a small dark dank confessional of a room
never to leave
til she open her legs
for Him
just like in laramie, wyoming
how the two boys pick the young man up at the bar
take him for a ride down the narrow desolate freeway
and beat and beat and beat Leviticus into matthew
crucify him on a rickety wooden fence
the moonlight of a western sky
leaves a scarecrow silhouette of a broken boy
along the highway like any other warning sign
this is God's country
or at the military base
where they obliterate adam's skull
no limb no skin no rib spared
the pulverizing blows of those god fearing
good nature well groomed American soldier boys
pound his head like a preacher's fist on the bible
and when his mother arrives to identify him
the military chaplain's steely eyes glare back at her
don't ask
how they disfigured him
don't tell
why they killed him
or look daddy in north carolina
the lone gunman enters the gay bar
he unloads the liturgy of his gun
one bullet at a time one round at a time
he sprawls a graffiti of brain n blood
along the walls
chants over n over
I am a shepherd of the Lord
I am a shepherd of the Lord
like this very moment
across the table from you daddy
i know you see god as a church
a spirit
a heaven awaiting
but to me
god is a gun
a punch
a rape
a bat
a kick
a stick
a fist
a hell
made only
for queers
like me
marcos ramírez © 2002