by Alison Park
Faster than a speeding rickshaw, more powerful than the smell of ripe kimchi, able to
leap ten rice paddies in a single
bound.
I am Asia Girl.
I'm going to chop suey kung fooey karate chop you
with the ancient Chinese secrets of a thousand generations of Korean mothers
--you have no idea what you're in for.
That's a thousand generations of grade A fresh off the boat guilt:
Aigu-se-sungae Why you never call me? That's ok I eat after you-see plenty of meat left
on bone. Don't worry about me, I old. Die soon anyway-Aiiieeee! What you do to your
hair?
Yeah, I got that kinda power.
So step back with your Batmobile and your wonder twin powers, your mild mannered
day job and your ass-hugging tights. I am so tired of white people in Spandex. There's a
new superhero in town.
This is no joke.
I'm here to represent some PISSED OFF brothers and sisters:
Charlie Chan Susie Wong Hop Sing and an abacus full of Japanese people who aren't
good at math.
I'm here to say:
We are tired of being your model minority, we are Asian not Oriental and we can kick
your ass.
Rest assured, I know what's in those pink plastic shopping bags and I'm
not afraid to use
it.
Yeah, I'm talkin' to YOU over there, cowering under your flimsy cape of
political
correctness, muttering last minute prayers to whatever monochromatic god you
patronize
to spare you of this yellow plague. I'm talkin' to you, Captain Colorblind.
No longer will your powers of multicultural mumbo jumbo protect you. I have
discovered
your kryptonite heel: you only see in black and white. Maybe that's OK for dogs,
but
black and white? I mean, get real!
Black and white went out in the fifties. Ever heard of
Technicolor? And honey, black and white aren't even good colors on you,
especially not
in horizontal stripes all around your thighs. Tsk-tsk-tsk.
No, it's about time you saw the world as it is-no more sushi for you, until you
figure out
we are more than your manicurists, your foreign grad students and first chair violinists.
You will feel the sting of the dragon's tail and the hail of hello kitty-shaped rice balls
every time you misrepresent your pathetic dichotomy as "diversity."
I'm packin' yellow flavor the likes of which you've never tasted before, and I'm
bringin'
my posse with me. That's right, Indigenous Man is in the house and Biracial Babe has got
our backs. And if you don't think I'm serious, take a look behind you. Uh-huh. That's
Jackie Chan Jet Li and Bruce Lee, and the Crow looks pretty pissed if you ask me.
Make no mistake, we're comin' at you with chopsticks a'flyin' and we're not
lettin' up
until you mean it when you talk about multiculturalism. You keep up this black and white
crap, and you are goin' down. I suggest you hand over your bigotry, your bifurcations and
your fear of US. Put down your weapons of denial and ignorance and step.
'Cause if you don't, it is ON. No more Miss I no speakee English thanky you.
Do you even know why we always avert
our eyes? So we don't KILL you with our x-ray
vision, that's why!
...but I digress.
You make me sick.
And all of this could have been averted, my longtime foe, my archest of nemeses,
if
you'd just opened your eyes and seen the yellows and the browns, if you'd just seen us.
I suggest you come along quietly.
All your Spandex is made in Hong Kong anyway, along with the replacement parts
for
your Batmobile. You got
nothin'.