-- an excerpt from a novel--

From Letters to Oshun

by Karla Brundage

Dear Oshun,
Who am I Oshun that I cannot have a normal life? I meet a guy I like and I never seem to do the right thing. I always do the wrong thing. I mean. This guy Ryan, I meet him and we dance and now where is he? He said he would call. What kind of girl does he think I am?
Ashley.

The kitchen is shaped like the bottom of a triangle. There are two 60 degree angles which are decorated with skulls and dried flowers. A red painting of a naked pregnant woman hangs vicariously over the kitchen table which is the center of this woman's house. Her legs are parted and she drapes one leg over a black velvet couch. She is defiant in her beauty. She is brown and red . Yet there are shadows in all the comers looking over her shoulders. They and her guardians and other spirits looks on. She does not know what is coming, or what is in store. The kitchen table leans against a half-wall which opens into the stairway. People coming in from the cold must walk up these stairs and pay homage to an altar of dead flowers and view the pregnant goddess before rounding the corner where the warmth of the wood stove combined with the constant cooking or soup, makes one forget all the worries that are outside. However, men find it very uncomfortable, that entry way, and often ask the woman such questions as are you a witch? are you a lesbian? do you hate men? All on account of some dried flowers, a couple cow skulls, and a pregnant woman. I wish she had said yes, but at that time, she in fact, was devoted to men. The soup, the warmth, they were not for her own nourishment. She took pride in feeding others and healing them with her warmth, which often left her cold. The flowers even had come from men. They were dead because she kept them long after they had come and gone. Long after they had taken what they wanted and left nothing but dried, dead flowers. She never kept the flowers she bought for herself. Those, had only memories of beauty and freshness, when they began to brown, she sadly let them go.

She was cooking soup when he called. The soup was boiling and it was not supposed to. Ashley ran across the kitchen, phone on one ear, and broom' in the other hand. Miso soup is supposed to boil only once, before it is miso soup, when you are steaming the vegetables, before you add the miso. Instead of turning down the flame, Ashley reached over the pot of steaming rice to remove the pot, completely, burning her upper arm as she reached.

Ow.... Shit!
Hello.

Oh sorry. Hello! I just burned myself on the stove.

Is Ashley there?

It was as if time suddenly stood still. The phone had rung. It was a man. It was for her. Ashley slowly refocused her attention away from the soup and to caller.

This is Ashley. She knew it was Ryan.

Ashley this is Ryan. Wassup?!

Nothing.

I am so stupid. I always say nothing. Its so predictable. He is going to say what's up and I am going to say nothing. It's like I don't have anything else worth saying.

What are you doing?

NothingI mean cooking dinner.

Sound sgood. What are you having?

Miso soup.

That's all? No meat and corn bread?

No.

Hmmmm.

What?

What are you doing after that?

Nothing.

Wanna come by my house? We're gonna have another party.

OK.... How do I get there?

You don't remember?

I didn't drive last time.

I'll come pick you up.

But will you bring me home?

Of course.

The next morning, when Ashley woke up she was not in her own bed. Sun streamed into the window pane and her heart ached. My life is one big cliche. I have no control of my actions. I wanted this and already I feel it slipping away. Ryan's back was to her. He was snoring softly and she looked at his chocolate skin soft against the white sheets. She touched his back longingly. He shivered at her touch, and turned to her. Penis erect. She loved making love first thing in the morning so she was ready for him.

Ryan used and moved his body like no man she had known. He was agile and deliberate. He danced as he made love. He made love as he danced. That's how I got here. Her memory returning. He knew what he wanted and how to get it. Ashley was not used to being with men who were so confident and fun in bed. He moved her into positions like she was a barbie doll. Each position increasing her pleasure.

He was like a cat. She let go of all meek attempts of controlling the situation. I cant believe I slept with him on the first date. If you call it a date. Ashley was thinking in the doggy position. I wonder if he will even remember my name.

When he finally came, he turned over and started to go back to sleep. Ashley got up.

I'm leaving. She was putting on her dress.

Already

Yes. I spent the night remember?

Woah. What's up with you. You're tripping. He jumped up. Stop. Relax. Take off those clothes. OK put them on. But let me make you breakfast at least.

I'm sorry. It's justI'm just I really don't want to wear this dress again. Do you have some sweats I could borrow? She started to cry.

Don't cry. He hugged her close. He was confused. Let's go for a walk. I gotta walk the dog before I cook anyway.

Ok.

What would you do if you' got pregnant?

Ryan pulled the gigantic great Dane gently away from the gate of his neighbors yard where a yapping small dog safely challenged, barking aimlessly in the wind. The road was long and winding. She was tired and walked slowly up the endless hill. She thought it a strange topic for a guy as young and carefree as Ryan to broach. What was the hidden meaning behind this question she wondered. Emotions a mess and now this. Not wanting to make any mistakes at such a crucial crossroads. Ashley quickly racked her mind for the right response

With someone like you ... emphasis on you to make sure he thinks I don't care... I'd get an abortion.

Just like that... you wouldn't tell me or anything.

Well think about it. Would you want me to tell you? I mean you are young. What would you want with a baby? You don't even know me. I am sure you'd care.

I just think that's kinda harsh not to even tell the father that's all. I'd want to know.

Well -----

There was silence as Ashley thought this out. What the hell is this. I mean. What kind of guy is he? I am not sure where he is going or what he wants from me all I know is that if he thinks I care about any of this, I'm a goner.

Well, I guess I'd tell you but not until I had already made the decision. I mean. I really would want it to be straight in my own head before I told anybody. That way I would not be swayed by anyone.

Wow. He seemed mildly shocked.

They rounded the corner. There was a path winding down the hill between oaks and California brown grass.

You feel like hiking?

Sure, she said and smiled. I think I could love him. She said to herself as they started down the steep hill.

Dear Oshun,
My life is going so good. I am so happy. All these guys like me. I mean there is LaSaun and Ryan. I guess I am lucky. I really like LaSaun. He seems like the perfect guy for me. He has a house and a car and he's a teacher too. In fact we may be even going into the same graduate program. Last week, he took me up to campus and introduced me to all his profs. Ryan keeps telling me to page him, but when I call he is always with another girl or at a party. He's too immature for me. I think I'll stick with LaSaun. And let's not forget the drummer. Although I should stay away from musicians my mother always told me.
Thank you for making me me. I will try to be more thankful
in my life.
Ashley

After LaSaun pushed her on the bed, and laid on her. After, he asked her what did she want besides sex, she was unclear. What was he to expect because she wanted too much.? She called Ryan again.

When she told Ryan she was pregnant, it was like so many other things that had happened in her life. A surprise that was no surprise.

I'm pregnant.

He looked at her stunned.

It was at the waterfall, wasn't it?

Yes. I think so too.

Ashley knew very clearly what the day had been. She was humiliated. It was as if she was Oedipus being faced with her abominable fate. Ashley thought back to the fourth of July. Things were beginning to end with Ryan. She could feel him leaving slowly. He did not return her pages. She had
finally gone to his house one sunny afternoon, after summer school, where she wa teaching dance and English to remedial school students. She was tired Wthe sun was shining. Ryan was washing his car. His pride and joy a 71 Monte Carlo. It was a convertible and he had just gotten the seats reupholstered.

He was talking to his brother. Laughing at Keith Sweat "beggin' " and when he saw her his expression changed to one of slight unhappiness. But he quickly covered it over with a smile and asked if she wanted to go for a ride.

I want to show you something beautiful, he said. Let's get some lunch and have a picnic.

She got in the car feeling like she was in a movie. He driving one arm on her shoulder, one arm on the steering wheel. 580 to 80. Ashley singing to herself Tracy Chapman you gotta fast car. I remember when we drivin drivin in your car speed so fast felt like I was drunk ... I gotta get me a ticket to get outta here...

They got some wine and sandwiches. He sang the whole way across the Richmond bridge to Ashley and to himself. The top was down and Ashley's hair kept getting in her face so she lay down in the car. Head in his lap watching the sky fly past. She was in heaven if she was anywhere.

When they got to the park, they lay in sun, loving summer. Ryan wanted to play Frisbee, but she wanted him to hold her. Ashley drank more wine than he did. In fact, she drank all the wine. As she drank, she became many things. She became that monster that alcohol makes her. Free and powerful. Angry and alone. On this beautiful day, suddenly, her mood was dark and dangerous.

Make love to me, Ryan.

Here?

Yes, now.

I don't really feel like it. Besides, where could we go? I don't have protection.

And then Ashley was seized by an evil stirring. Within her the alcohol stirred and raised its ugly head. She was Medusa unable to be denied. No one can resist me. What is wrong with him. I will make him want me. I will.

Let's walk to the waterfall, she said.

OK.

So they got up and he started to run. She ran too, after him. Laughing he ran down a rocky path and under a shade tree. There was a secret patch of green where a waterfall quietly wept.

He stopped to watch the rocks drink up the earth's goodness.

It's beautiful. Like you.

She smiled, medusa calmed, but lingered evil. Ashley felt dizzy with desire. Her heart beat from the run.

Make love to me now.

Here?

Here. No one will see.

Medusa smiled. Hair tangled and stunning in the twilight. She kissed his neck and his chest. Her nails clung to his back. He kissed her slowly. But she already knew his weakness. She clung to him as they fell on the earth's mossy carpet. Suddenly time sped up . He on her. Pants down. He in her. Panties torn. She is panting. Finally, what she wanted. Him in her. To possess him.

I'm coming, he said.

Already?

Yes.

Don't pull out. Just, Stay. Say I love you.